I have a novel to write and yet, instead, I’m watching Britain’s Got Talent while eating a chocolate brownie and drinking my weight in coffee. Here’s 17 ways in which I have wasted my Sunday morning, for any who wants to emulate this clearly successful writing style:
1. Stare at your word-count goal for 20 minutes. Write nothing.
2. Eat chocolate.
3. Make a home-made face-mask.
4. Prevent dog eating home-made face-mask from face.
5. Lose cucumber in battle to fend off pooch.
6. Search for yoga tutorials.
7. Do yoga (badly). Drip face-mask on carpet.
8. Forage for lunch. Find Nothing.
9. Discover dog licking carpet.
10. Remember uneaten Valentine’s Day chocolate in cupboard. Eat chocolate. Feel sick.
11. Drink citrus-infused water in the hope that it will cleanse the chocolate from system.
12. Google sugar-free diets and mason jars.
13. Forget am still wearing face-mask while answering the door to neighbour.
14. Contemplate moving house/digging own grave outside/murdering neighbour.
15. Look at word document, cry on keyboard, eat more chocolate and secretly hope the sugar won’t kill you even though you read that internet article saying it was the new killer toxin we’ve been secretly shovelling into our bodies and isn’t butter a carb?
16. Stare at laptop. Wonder if it’s staring back.
17. Drink wine.